I’ve been unpacking lately. The kind of unpacking one does after a move, and the kind of unpacking you do in the middle of life. The kind of unpacking that evaluates what fits, what doesn’t, what to hold on to, where to put it, whether it’s still needed.
We do this all the time, don’t we? Well, I do. We do it with feelings, emotions, survival skills we picked up, behaviors. We do it with junk drawers, scarcely letting go of the random extra birthday candle pack, half-full with one candle still burnt, empty lint rollers, paperclips, dirty dimes, and the pack of thank you cards we never sent.
Today, as I went through one of two corners in the house still to be unpacked, I stared down at the remains of my mother. My family and I have yet to fulfill her wishes; reluctant to let go. I knelt down on the carpet just there under the window by the bed and opened the box. Her death certificate, tags, a couple of notes to her from me and my sister, along with her ashes, all so neatly stowed inside. No dust. No debris. No clutter. No noise. No light. Nothing like all that we are surrounded by in life.
And so it hit me all over again; the love, the tears, the sick days, the yearning for more time, the beauty, the sun casting light through the window, the smell of fresh laundry, the knowing that we must live embracing the dust, debris, clutter, noise, and light of our own precious, worthy, important life.
Dear Me,
I know it’s been hard lately. You haven’t had your mom to talk to, make you feel crazy, or love you the way she did. But I am here, and I know how strong she made you.
That feeling in your throat, when you don’t know what to do, when you want to cry, when you miss her… go ahead and let it out. Then go wash your face, push your hair back, and look at yourself like she would have for the first time, with pure love.
I love you. Keep going. You’re doing great.
Love,
Me
P.S. You look super cute today! 🙂